Brain washing in process!

I think I really really need to change!
I just don't feel right. I don't feel comfortable being myself.
I get irritated, I don't know how to say sorry like I used to and I'm not being as honest as before.

How do I relax and stop being so uptight? Its no fun hanging around with me anymore.

I feel bad when I reject the effort of others in showering me with love and materials.
I should try putting myself in their shoes.

ok Elaine! Change the way you think! BE POSITIVE!

You're rich! You're smart! You can make others happy! So go out there and do whatever you want!
Why worry? =)

Go with the flow, think of the present.

Yayyy! I just bought a new watch today. It's suppose to be my 21st birthday present from my high school besties. ahaha.. =D

Anyway, it took me a long time before I could decide which watch I wanted.
It was partly due to my indecisiveness and also the way I was thinking, which was the future.
So basically, I've decided to think about the present and not to think TOOOOOOO far ahead in the future. =)
Hopefully I'll be able to make decisions faster and enjoy being in the present more than before.

끝

When would I be able to break out from the circle?

I felt bad again, for criticizing or scolding others.
I shouldn't have said 'that's why they're still there'.
I'm sorry.
They could have a reason for doing that job, may be they like it there or may be it wasn't in their scope to attend to me in the first place and I've misinterpreted their intentions.
May be they were doing their best in being helpful? May be...
Anyway, it still wasn't right for me to make such judgement rashly and it isn't like me either.
I've said things that I wished I could take back. It wasn't all insults, some are just plain weird.
I know I can't take it back so I hope the person that listened to it would forget about it.

Is it normal to feel this way? For feeling bad on simple acts like this?
Why am I still in this same circle? Can I or should I break out from it?

Well, I really do want to break out from it but may be it's a gift? Or I'm just too self-conscious. ahaha

The storm has passed.

It's raining outside,

But it's sunny inside.

A battle that I have to win.

It's amazing that I didn't blog at all for 1 whole year, especially when it was a whole lot of ups and downs.
Going through a roller coaster year wasn't like any ordinary roller coaster ride.

A normal roller coaster prepares you for an on-coming down slope, it gives you time to build up the courage to face what's ahead. You feel the adrenaline at the start and you leave the ride at the end without feeling any sense of regret. It has a clean closure.

However, a roller coaster in life just hits you there and then, without any preparations given. You feel fear and sometimes a sense of regret when its over. You know what's the right thing to do or how you should handle the thoughts. Yes, you do that. But, you'll definitely feel that something is different or has changed, at least that's how I feel. You may not have built courage at the start but at the end, your endurance becomes a strength.

I was always an attention seeker but I didn't realize I was one. Recently, I've only been twitting or doing a status update when I'm feeling down. My motive was clear, I needed an output and I wanted sympathy. I wanted people to care of me when I know that I have a lot of people who already do. I kept thinking whether it was alright to do that? Self-pity?
All these thinking is coming from within me so I know can handle this by myself, so was it necessary for me to let others know that I'm hurting?
Who am I to complain about the things I've faced when there are others who've had it worse?

I didn't like that way of thinking so I've resorted to expressing through my blog although I know it would be better for me to express out in my personal journal or to a decent human being.

I know I should focus on the important and happy parts of life.
I know I have a choice.
That's why I have to let the negative thinking out in order to continue with the positive thinking.
I feel a bit better know. =)

Thank you Elaine for writing this. For slowly finding a way to love yourself.
Be confident. Be open. Be happy.